


This is Not Who You Are

by usandthemoon



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No One Direction, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Harry Styles, Depressed Harry, Fluff, Hurt Harry, Hurt Harry Styles, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mania, Meet-Cute, Older Louis Tomlinson, Sad Harry, Suicide Attempt, this isn't necessarily graphic but it could be triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:14:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26425480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usandthemoon/pseuds/usandthemoon
Summary: "What the fuck are you doing?!""I can't get the lid off."Or Harry has bipolar disorder and Louis loves him so much, yet he doesn't know what to do when he finds him in the bathroom, trying to take his life.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Kudos: 99





	This is Not Who You Are

It'd been one of the longest, most dreadful days Louis' had in a long time.

Working at the school isn't actually a miserable job for him, but sometimes the stress that arises from kids who don't comply when asked to complete simple tasks like keeping quiet for five minutes can be unbearable. It all builds up, the frustration and grogginess, especially when he has more than three lessons in one sitting. He's utterly and entirely drained and all he can think about is kicking off his shoes and snuggling up against Harry's side on the sofa. It's what gets him through the day, honestly.

Fixing his fringe promptly, he turns into his and Harry's street and pulls his car onto their driveway. He likes their house, albeit, they've only lived there for less than a year, boxes are still sparsely hidden around the place and they've got a lot to unpack, but it's okay. They have plenty of time and truthfully, there's no rush. That's what he loves about living with Harry, he's so understanding, it's lovely.

After fiddling relentlessly with his set of keys, Louis finally manages to open the front door and he can already feel the weight lifting off of his poor shoulders. He should get an early night if he can, he's pretty much knackered.

"Harry!" he shouts, placing his pocket's contents onto the table beside him. "I'm home. Gonna put the oven on, what you thinkin' for dinner?"

It's quite laughable, him asking when in reality, he knows Harry'll end up cooking for them in the end. Louis' a terrible cook, it's a wonder he's even allowed five feet in the radius of a kitchen.

After a significant amount of silence, crickets are comically chirping in the background and Louis wonders where his boyfriend is hiding. Usually, he's greeted with a smile brighter than a fresh flame but, nothing.

With a slight, semipermanent frown—it won't last once he finds him, he's got a contagious smile, his Harry—Louis begins to scan the area in search of his missing piece. The telly isn't blaring, so he's not in the living room and the counters of the kitchen are pretty much spotless, meaning Harry hasn't been in here or he was earlier but he cleaned up, again (perks of living with a neat freak - an adorable one, nonetheless).

Where the hell is he?

Louis jogs up the stairs, taking off his blazer whilst he's at it and placing it on the hanger in their room, which ticks off another spot Harry isn't in. The spare bedroom is also motionless, there are no ruffled sheets and everything's in place because Louis' pretty observant and he notices when little things shift out of their spots, or when Harry decides to move stuff around because he likes to test his patience. It's alright though, Louis still loves him; sometimes.

The house lights aren't turned on, but that's understandable, summer's vastly approaching and it's still bright and sunny outside. He feels his skin itch, it's becoming a little tedious now. Louis wants to cuddle and make dinner (watch Harry make dinner) then he wants to get a good night's sleep and spend the following morning in bed.

His tension's easing a little when he sees the bathroom door is closed. It's never usually shut, Harry tends to complete his coursework from home when he doesn't have a shift at the bakery, so it never needs to be closed. He tries his best not to charge inside, but he's just so excited to see his other half.

It's always agony without Harry by his side, when he isn't there to cheer him up and tell him a cheesy pun Louis wishes didn't make his stomach clench with laughter. It's like Harry's his own personal ray of sunshine and whenever his days lean towards a cloudier, darker sky, all he has to do is find him and all is healed. Light is restored, clouds clear up and he's calm again.

The unsettling bang of the door colliding with the wall behind it startles Louis, but that isn't what causes the beaming smile he's wearing so joyfully to disintegrate from his lips and vanish from existence completely.

It isn't what caused that at all.

"What the fuck are you doing!" The sudden sharpness of his voice jolts, causing it to break mid-sentence.

"I can't get the lid off," Harry says, grunting and whining as he aggressively pulls and twists and tugs at a small plastic container he's squeezing tightly.

"What the... Oh my God, stop! What're you doing?!" He rushes over and places his hands over the taller boy's shaky ones. The contrast between Louis' freshly-cold skin from the breeze outside and Harry's flustered burnt-up skin makes him feel queasy.

"Let go!" Harry's still resisting, keeping a firm hold on the bottle and refusing to give up. He pushes his broad back into Louis' front roughly, trying his best to get him away but he neither of them will let up. "Stop! You're making it worse, I can't—can't get it off. Won't turn. Won't fuckin' twist, shit."

The quick breathes he's drawing are clear indicators of what's really happening. And Louis' bloody terrified.

The thing is, he's been taking his tablets. Louis doesn't understand it, Harry hasn't had any bad days lately—or shockingly good ones, for that matter—he would've noticed, he always notices. Louis _always_ knows when something's wrong with his boy. He has learnt from is past mistakes.

"Harry, let go!" He can feel his arm starting to cramp up under Harry's much larger one as they play a vicious game of tug of war, clutching the orange tub of painkillers and yanking it back and forth. "I thought you were doing okay, you _were_ doing okay! Is this mania? Are you experiencing mania? Harry, stop this and answer me!"

"I'm not fucking manic! I need them, let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Need to get the fucking cap off," Harry grits his words through clenched teeth. "'S not mania, I'm not sick. Fuck." His sharp elbow jolts back and collides into Louis' ribs, winding him and sending him flying back into the sink nearby. 

With the motion, the cap is flung from Harry's grip and Louis hears it land in the corner of the room. He clutches his ribs, gasping as he impatiently waits for his breath to return. He stumbles onto his feet instantly, reaching out to Harry's arm but he's pushed away. Again. This is so frustrating.

Every single pill is tipped into Harry's palm, a variety of reds and blues swarm around the cupped surface and Louis feels his heart race so quickly it might just stop.

"No—shit, wait!"

Thank God.

Harry stops and lowers his hand, hesitantly shutting his mouth.

"Harry, baby," Louis coughs, he’s really light-headed. "You're okay, I'm here now. It's not you, H. It's your brain, remember, baby? Makes you upset, confused... You don't want to do this... You don't want to hurt—" He hutches over, holding his throbbing rib cage, "—hurt yourself."

The tablets rattle around in his hand and Harry's furrowed eyebrows are prominent, threatening and fierce. The sunken features of his face are dark and sorrowful; he looks so heart-shatteringly sad.

" _Please_."

It's all tumbling down, the stability they'd worked so hard to grasp onto and keep.

The first time the two of them met, Louis had just finished his final year at uni, whereas Harry was merely just settling in.

It was a rainy day. Water was cascading from the dingy sky above and Louis' hair was soaked, clinging to his forehead and causing goosebumps to climb up his forearms and neck, unwelcome. He saw out salvation through his pathetic shivers and chattering teeth, which fortunately presented itself in the form of a small bakery, sitting across the road.

His damp footsteps splashed in potholes and puddles as he crossed the uneven street, grasping the cold metal of the door handle and stepping inside the second he made it there, Louis shook off the excessive droplets of water pooling on top of his head, sighing and partially gasping as a gust of cold air skimmed the right side of his face. He curiously snapped his head up to see a small vent above him, pointed like a laser, dead in his spot. The unexpected hunger inside of him then caused his eyes to drift as he scanned the alluring array of pastries and carefully decorated desserts before him. Pinks and greens and blues, pretty icing and loving sprinkles.

He felt his knees buckle with glee.

Sometimes Louis wished food wasn't always a main priority of his because then he would've had more of a chance to prepare. If he wasn't so busy gawking at the manymanymany stacks of yummy croissants and scones, he wouldn't have rushed over so abruptly, only to look up and meet a green, innocent little gaze glaring at him from across the counter.

It all felt surreal.

"Hello," said the young-looking boy, his curls were perky and alive. Dimples sunk gracefully into the sides of his cheeks as he smiled brightly at Louis; who almost felt blinded. (It felt similar to when you'd look at the sun too long and you could start to feel your eyes burn and ache, but you can't seem to look away, despite the pain and discomfort it causes you.) Basically, Louis was looking directly at the human embodiment of the sun. 

"Uh, hello?" (What the hell are you supposed to say when you see a literal angel standing before you? Cut him some slack.)

"That sounded a tad interrogative. Did I say something else? I thought I'd just said hi or something," the angel beaming before him said, chuckling lightly. He folded a few pastry bags and stacked them, eyes never leaving Louis'.

From the looks of things, he was most likely younger than Louis. Baby fat clung to his cheeks, little puffy curves, they were adorable. Though Louis knew it was only a matter of time before his face would alter, prominent lines would carve out magnificent, high cheekbones and a sharp jawline. He might’ve shot up in height, too.

He was dumbstruck, in his place, gawking like an idiot.

"Erm," he hesitated. "Can I have a...chocolate croissant, please?" Louis didn't even want anything remotely sickly, but that was the first thing he could manage to say.

It was alright though, because the boy laughed and retrieved a fresh croissant from the pile below. He slid it neatly into a paper bag and looked up. "That will 80 pence, please."

Louis fiddled with his loose change until he dropped a few coins into the other boy's palm, who innocently smiled back at him and opened the cash register, sliding the bag across the counter. "Have a lovely day," he said, green eyes shining warmly.

Louis felt his entire body tingle with something he wasn't sure he liked; it felt good but he knew he'd want more, as it felt addictive. He wanted more crazy tingles fluttering around inside of his tummy, but only if they continued to spark because of the boy in front of him.

"Uh, you too," Louis eventually returned, flashing a close-lipped smile and gripping the paper bag with his nimble fingers. The huge wave of disappointment that tugged on his chest was horrible, the instant he approached the door. Just before his hand wrapped around the handle, he froze.

That was perhaps the first and only time he would ever see an angel in the flesh. Maybe the only time he'd feel that wonderful, addictive, tingly, feeling inside of him. He couldn't just throw it away.

Now Louis was a confident boy, as much as he could be at the age of eighteen. His friend, Liam, always brought up how loud and outgoing he was, apparently it was sometimes too much to handle, so Louis never really had a problem making friends and interacting with new people.

Of course, that didn't matter, as he had no experience talking to divine beings like that curly-haired boy.

Louis shook his head, sucking in a curt breath and bracing himself promptly. He wasn't a superstitious bloke, but he liked to believe fate was at least, somewhat real. He couldn’t have stumbled upon that dainty bakery by a mere coincidence, surely.

Luckily, nobody else was waiting in the queue when he hurried back over and met a stunning pair of forest eyes. "Hello," Louis grinned.

The endearing cashier simply chuckled. "Hello, again."

Don't shake, he thought as he felt his legs begin to tremble. Such a pretty boy. "'M Louis."

Another quiet chuckle, the boy's face tilted upwards and he flashed an amused smile, dimply and bright. Louis' legs were definitely shaking now; it had to be the dimples. "Nice to meet you, Louis. I’m Harry."

He blinked absently when a hand, not much bigger than his, was presented before him. Louis took it excitedly, feeling his body immediately light up with sparks of electricity at the shared physical contact. "Suits you, that name," he blurts.

"Ah, thank you. Yours does, too."

As their hands remained together, palms sliding in sync, Louis soon realised he had literally thought none of it through—actually talking to Harry.

"Um."

He should just go for it, right? Well, it is what it is.

"Are you an angel?"

Harry titled his head cutely, bewildered by the question. "Let me guess, did I fall from heaven?"

Louis could only beam. "I was actually wondering that as well. You look like an angel, you know."

"Can't say I do know, but that's very nice of you to say. Thank you, Louis. I'm flattered."

"Erm. You're welcome." He withdrew his hand awkwardly, "I should probably, um—eat this."

"That's a good idea," Harry laughed. "If you like it, I'll sneak you another next time you're here. Since you've already paid me with that compliment, 's the least I can do."

"Uh, I'd like that a lot. Thank you, Harry." Such a pretty boy.

Harry’s eyebrows drew closer and closer with inquisition, but he seemed to be entertained. "No problemo."

And so, Louis returned to the café, rather eagerly, the next day.

He made small talk with Harry, seeing as soon enough his confidence had returned and they were able to speak, endlessly, for hours. Louis lingered around the shop, hovering and slipping out of the way of customers whenever they’d walk by. He was surprised any of the women Harry worked with didn't kick him out, yet Harry did inform them that Louis wasn't a bother—which was partially a lie, he did nick a few muffins while he was there.

After Harry's shift ended, they took a walk around town and things sort of followed through fast. Meaning, Louis fell immediately. Like smashed into the ground—face planted, more like—he literally fell for an angel. And it was clear Harry was very fond of Louis too, which was convenient.

After only knowing each other for just over a week, the two of them had already introduced their friends and families. Things just sort of _clicked_.

University was a challenge with the two year age gap between then. Louis attending Uni was difficult but they made it through, having had regular visits and whatnot. When Harry soon followed up and took his course locally, Louis'd already sorted a job at the school. That's what led them to settle down together, to buy a flat and live out their dreams domestically. It was a little _too_ easy.

And sadly, that's why things became so complicated. It's just, everything was so simple and they got on so well, which is why it was a little weird when things had taken a turn for the worst.

It begun when Harry started disappearing for days upon end. Louis would assume he was out with friends, ravishing in the Uni life like he had and simply drinking too much. But it wasn't like that at all.

You see, Harry'd come home all energetic and bright, bouncing off the walls with radiance like the sun. It would be overwhelming for Louis, working busy hours and trying to adjust to life at school, he didn't understand how Harry could be so content and have such a good look on life. Granted, Louis thought life was a gift after finding Harry, but he didn't necessarily view it as happily as Harry appeared to.

The thing was, Harry would constantly urge Louis to go out in the town with him, dress up and explore the world even though he knew Louis worked every day of the week, he _knew_ and it didn't matter to him.

They argued a lot over this.

"You know how much I love going out with you, H, but I have to get this done. I can't just let go anymore, it's different now."

"Oh C'mon, Lou, you need spontaneity. Just have a night off for once. Call in sick, get it out of your system. You know you want to," Harry pleaded with a coy grin.

Louis groaned. "No, Harry. You said that last time, and the time before. I have responsibilities, y’know? If I carry on like this, I'll get the sack. You do realise that'll happen, right? We can't afford this place on your salary alone."

"Alright, I'm not listening to this. I'll just go by myself."

Louis reached out and grabbed Harry’s wrist when he turned on his heel. "You need to sleep. You have a lot of work complete and you haven't done anything for almost a week. When was the last time you ate a proper meal? Step back into reality, Harry. I'm really worried about you."

Just like that, a switch had been flicked and behind Harry's eyes, they dimmed out. His smile slipped had into an abyss. He tugged his arm out of Louis' grasp and laughed; bitterly, nastily, humorously.

"You've changed, you're no fucking fun anymore. You don't _live_."

"What the fuck are you talking about? I haven't changed. Harry, I love you and I care about you. You're not acting like yourself, what's going on? Tell me what's going on, please talk to me. Don't disappear again."

"Just fuck off, Louis. Like you'd even notice. You're too busy caring about your stupid fucking job. Cry me a bloody river, for fuck's sake. It's all you ever talk about." Harry picked up his coat and wallet, approaching the front door.

"Where are you going?" It swung open harshly and he stepped outside. "Harry don't leave, please. Baby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, I'm just worried about you. I—come back!"

Louis didn't need to see it to know Harry had driven away.

He panicked then. He went into a full-on panic attack and paced around their house like a madman. Tears brimmed over his eyes and he could hardly see past the blurry layer disrupting his vision.

Through his worry, he reached for his phone and called Anne. Because maybe she'd know how to help her son—it was so embarrassing, Louis loved Harry so much and he didn't even know how to help him. He should've known that, he should've known how to help his Harry and yet, he didn't.

"I'm so sorry to ring you.” Louis sniffed and wiped his nose with the back of his trembling hand. "Harry's... He left and I don't know what to do. He's really angry at me and he hasn't been himself, Anne. It’s bizarre and I don't know what to do. Please help me."

She simply calmed away his sobs and talked Louis through it.

Turned out, Harry wasn't exactly in the healthiest state of mind. He had never told Louis about the medicine he was supposed to take. He never told Louis about his lithium and how it helps him stay sane. He never told Louis his mind will sometimes make him act out and do crazy things, how it will tell him to do anything and everything all at once, it happens if he stops taking his lithium. Harry never told Louis any of it.

Anne explained to Louis that Harry was diagnosed not long before he stumbled into the bakery, he hasn’t known for long. But he’s known long enough, he’s known he isn’t well and he didn’t tell Louis.

He couldn't believe it. So Louis rushed into the bathroom and dug out a couple of bottles of pills, the ones hidden farthest on the highest shelf. He read the labels and blinked with disbelief.

It was all true. Harry was really sick and he had hidden it from Louis. Behind every simply smile and heavenly laugh he gave off, Harry was struggling and he never told Louis a thing.

Eventually, Harry returned home that night. He wore dark under-eyes and dirty clothes. His curls were a mess and his cheeks had caved in. There was no light in this boy, no heavenly glow. For once, he really did look sick.

"'M sorry.” Louis stood up from the sofa, wiping down his thighs and sighing. "You know, don't you?" He didn't say anything. "I should've told you. I thought I had it under control... I—the lithium, it makes me tired. Can't concentrate with it. It makes me all fidgety and it was doing my head in. I haven't been on it long, haven't been sick for that long, I guess. It's just. You were doing so well at work and I was so proud, Lou. I wanted to be like you, wanted to push through and smash this course. I wanted to be like you... At first, it helped, I cut down how many tablets I was taking and then stopped taking any altogether. I suddenly had so much more energy and I did _so much_ work, it was so good. But then, I don't know. Couldn't sleep, wasn't eating."

Louis chewed his quivering lip silently.

"My brain made me think about things. It made me upset and confused. I wanted to cheer myself up. Couldn't stop thinking about it. You were so stressed, you wanted to do well at school and so I thought you needed to cheer up, too. It was all I could think about and I didn't realise what I was doing. I don't remember much, either. Woke up like an hour from here in some hotel room that I don't even remember booking this morning."

Harry pulled his shaky gaze from the floor and met Louis' eyes.

"I need my lithium, Lou. I'm sad again. Like really sad and I don't know how to stop it."

"Har—"

"I don't wanna die, just want relief, for it to stop. Promise. This used to happen before I met you. It would hurt so much. It feels bad again, don't know how to stop it—"

Harry crashed into Louis' arms the instant they opened, wincing and letting go of his held in cries as he clung to him ruthlessly. Louis felt his own tears fall as well, he heard his heart tear apart slowly as he tightened his arms around Harry's shoulders.

"I love you and this isn't your fault," he whispered into his angel's neck. "We'll get through it, okay? Together."

A dismal sob filled the room and Harry pulled away slightly. His eyes were dim, puffy and red-rimmed. His lips were quivering and his cheeks were rosy and flushed. His curls stuck to his forehead and his skin was so pale. Somehow Harry managed to find the strength, through all of the pain and struggle, to whisper, "together."

That's why it hurts so much seeing Harry like this again. Somehow it feels worse.

Louis learnt the signs, he knew when things would seem off with him. He checked every day that Harry had taken his tablets, he drove him to the pharmacy and helped him get his prescription, but it's only been a few months since it happened. He hasn't known about his boy’s illness very long and there are still things he doesn't know.

Knowing Harry has this fucked up mind—that he, himself, wishes he didn't have—is just terrible. Harry just wants to be happy and live life to the fullest but he can't. All because his brain is different, it makes him confused and upset. None of it is just. He deserves so much better.

"That isn't your lithium, Harry,” Louis croaks, standing up straight and exhaling. It isn't. Harry is trying to hurt himself and Louis knows it. He swallows the agonising lump in his throat as the thoughts surge through his mind.

 _What if he did stay at school a little later and mark those papers as he'd planned to? What if he never checked the rooms and started making tea as soon as he got in? What if he hadn't found Harry at all?_ What if.

"It's worse than before, isn't it?"

Harry's eyes switch between Louis and the ocean of pills, darting between his hand and his boyfriend's fearful eyes. He draws in a shaky breath, blinking away too many tears and brokenly sighing. 

"I forgot, Lou. I tried, really. Didn't mean to do it. Had a paper in this morning and stayed up all night, didn't want to wake you so I worked downstairs."

Louis doesn't know if he can hear this. Harry's voice is so fucking broken. It’s not fair.

His angel's wings are faltering.

"I fell asleep and forgot to take them at ten. Then I had to stop by campus and visit my professor, that took a while 'cause there was traffic and we'd run out of bread so I went to the store— when I got home I forgot, again." His other hand clenches into a tight fist, knuckles whitening as he clenches his jaw painfully. "I started thinking, couldn't stop, needed relief. Like last time, remember? But like, didn't want relief anymore. I wanted to stop it."

Louis swallows. What if.

"'M so sorry."

Why is the world so fucking cruel?

"Harry." He steps forwards, hands raised in the air to convey his peaceful demeanour. The key is to show clarity, to make sure Harry knows what he's doing and what he's thinking at all times. He has to stay calm for his boy. Even if he feels like the walls are caving in and he can barely breathe. "Do you want to die?"

Harry looks at the many tablets piled up in his hand. "I—"

"Talk to me, Haz."

Harry looks up. His features soften and that familiar switch behind his eyes turns back on. "I don't want to die."

Louis stops holding his breath.

"It's okay...I'm okay, I think."

"You are okay, that's right,” Louis smiles with such relief. “I'm here and you're okay. It's just your brain, baby. As I said, it isn’t your fault. It's never your fault." Stepping closer, he reaches out and places his hand over Harry's, closing his fingers over the painkillers. "Feel a bit better?"

Harry nods. "I—I don't want these anymore."

"That's good, H. That's really good," Louis sniffles and slides the pills into his own hand. He kneels down and tips them into the toilet bowl, glancing up at Harry and nodding before flushing them away. Louis then picks up the empty bottle and its lid, putting them both in the bin next to his feet and standing. "Think you can take your lithium now?"

Harry nods again.

Louis digs out the lithium container from inside the cabinet and passes Harry his medicine, followed by a pink plastic cup filled with water (Louis bought it for Harry because he knows it's his favourite colour, so he keeps it in the bathroom where Harry takes his lithium every morning.)

Shakily, Harry takes the cup, placing the lithium into his mouth and washing it down with a gulp of water. "Thank you," he mumbles hoarsely.

Louis pulls Harry out of the bathroom, sitting the younger boy down on the edge of their bed and pulling out a fluffy blanket from a drawer next to them. He wraps it around his boyfriend's shoulders and sits next to him, nuzzling him into his side.

"I love you," he affirms as he wipes away Harry's tears that are finally slowing down.

"I love you—I love you so much. Forever."

Louis leans back and takes a look at his boy. Harry’s curls are sprawled out in different directions, his nose is a deep pink and his eyes are swollen. He looks so drained and worn out, but his eyes. His eyes are slowly lighting back up as he looks into Louis'. The green in them is reigniting and his skin is gradually returning to its natural hue. Such a pretty, sunny boy.

After placing a loving kiss onto his lips, Harry sighs against Louis' mouth and wraps his arms around his tiny waist snugly. His own mouth curls into a relieved smile when Louis nudges his side and kisses the tip of his nose fondly. "My angel," he says.

Harry laughs and it's music. His dimples reappear and it feels like the Louis is seeing his first shooting star. He's bewildered by the beauty before him, almost blinded by the light.

When a few minutes pass, they fall back onto the bed and end up cuddling. Louis' got his arms around Harry as he rests his head against his chest comfortably. Harry's breathing hasn't changed and he knows he's awake, so he looks up and Harry looks down.

"You need to make me dinner," he says with a half-grin.

Harry chuckles but nods, nonetheless. "I know."

**Author's Note:**

> heya!! thank you for taking the time to read this, kudos are heavily appreciated :)


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